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Raj lake Morey, Vermont 1992 - старонка 18


ANSWER: Oh, indeed.

QUESTION: Would you tell me what it is first, what I’m trying to ask and then the answer?

ANSWER: It is the fact that the excruciation isn’t over yet. That is why you don’t know the next step.

QUESTION: Oh! Well let’s just say that I get peace within the excruciation from time to time. It’s great, I can feel that.

ANSWER: Indeed, you will. Why? Because, and I am going to change the word excruciation to humiliation.

QUESTION: Okay, but it feels like excruciation.

ANSWER: Humiliation is excruciating. It’s insulting.

QUESTION: Yes, it’s like yes, it can make you feel downright angry.

ANSWER: Exactly, we understand each other. I want you to understand something: Understanding it won’t help you speed this up though. It is the ego which is humiliated. The end result of humiliation is humility. Because, what is left after the ego has been humiliated away is You being honestly You. And You are utterly humble. All of you, at the bottom line, are utterly humble.

Paul is being utterly humble at this moment. But he is not a wimp. He is not a meaningless presence. One could say that what happens where he is when he is being humble is magnificently powerful, and yet he is powerful without exercising any control, without any attempt to influence.

He is like an Indian woman who used to come and visit a white woman who was working on the reservation. And this white woman lived on the reservation as well. The Indian woman would come over, almost daily, where the white woman was knitting, or doing some hand-work of some sort that was her hobby. And they wouldn’t really talk much. The Indian woman would just come and sit there on the porch, and then go home. She came and did this every day. And finally one day somebody asked the Indian woman why she did this. She said, “Because when I go there it’s easier to like myself.”

Remember in the breakdown of the ego it feels like your failure at being you, when all it is is the failure of that concept of yourself that you were trying to fulfill, or the failure of that concept that others had of you that you were trying to fulfill. And this is humiliating. If you allow the humiliation to become complete, You—the genuine You—expressing the honesty of your Being, will be what is left. The integrity of You that was there before you tried to be good, will be what is left, and humility will be the nature of that You.

Everyone says it is good to be humble. But you can’t try to be humble. It’s what’s left when you’ve given up trying everything else.

“Infinite patience brings immediate results.” So what I am saying is, don’t try to get out of the excruciating—as you put it. The moment the willingness to fail totally has occurred, the minute you let go of the end of the rope you will know the next step. What you need to understand is that this apparently horrible process is really healing, is really an integral part of regaining your Sanity.

The words are “The way is straight and narrow and few there be that go in there at.” The gate is that place where your ego can’t get through. Only You will fit. But leaving your ego behind scares your ego shitless. Strong word, but it’s a strong experience.

But I will tell you something: You have someone who is telling you ahead of time that this is the way it will be, and so you will more easily be able to recognize it for what it is, and not try to get rid of it.

QUESTION: I need to ask one tiny little thing here. Let’s just say that I finish this process in this lifetime, and that I’m hanging out here—dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, and I’m not excruciating....

ANSWER: You don’t have as much time as you think. It’s going to happen—I mean that in this way—it is going to happen long before the end of this lifetime. You don’t have that much time left in this excruciation!

QUESTION: Okay, that’s kind of what I wanted to hear. But then, Raj, that’s not exactly what I want. I wanted to know what do you do after that, because that was my original question? Because I get feelings about how that feels. And that’s when I really don’t know what to do, because I don’t have anything to do anything with. Okay? I don’t know how to do that. I know how to do this, but I don’t know how to do that.

ANSWER: I am going to save you a little bit of time—a little bit. You better learn to sit down in the middle of excruciating and stop trying to get out of it, if you want to get out of it faster. You had better stop denying the process of humiliation.

The process of humiliation is like a pencil with an eraser on it, and the eraser is being used to erase something, and the eraser slowly wears away and disappears—and the eraser is like the ego. The eraser is the equivalent of the ego. And if you want to cut short or speed up the process, you will end up with not all of the ego being humiliated away. You had better go ahead and feel what you are feeling.

Now, I am not saying that it is important or necessary to suffer, but I am saying that the simple and perhaps hard task to face is, that giving up the ego just simply isn’t fun. And the fact that it isn’t fun is no reason not to give it up. And if you know that it isn’t fun, but that it means the regaining of your Sanity, then I guess I could say, be willing to persist in the therapy of letting go of it. And don’t try to shorten your therapy or gloss over it. Don’t wonder about what’s coming next.

QUESTION: I can if I want to.

ANSWER: That’s like going into therapy and instead of paying attention to what you’re supposed to be doing, you’re dreaming about what you’re going to do on a date tomorrow night.

QUESTION: Exactly. That’s the way the mind works, isn’t it? Is that why the ego works?

ANSWER: It always distracts you from its self-destruction, of course.

QUESTION: Okay. Of course, thank you.

ANSWER: You are welcome.

QUESTION: I know that you said there were no follow up questions, but I have a follow up question, which I shared with Paul during the break. Raj, you’ve talked a lot this afternoon about what sounds to me like the pain of waking up—the excruciation of waking up. And my experience of my life has been about waking up and it doesn’t feel painful. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel challenging, difficult sometimes, but it doesn’t feel painful, that’s not my sense of waking up. And I would like for you to comment about that.

ANSWER: Are you perhaps suggesting that there is another way to look at this?

QUESTION: Indeed!

ANSWER: The one single element that is the scariest to bring into play in the process of Awakening is actual trust. And every single individual must bring trust into play in order to let go of control. I will tell you this: Those will have the most excruciation, the most, shall I say, uncomfortable time, who bring into play the greatest amount of resistance to letting go of control. Indeed, pain or suffering is not inherent in waking up.

When the word excruciation was used, let me be clear, we were not talking about physical pain. It is what you might call emotional or mental anguish. It is felt by the ego as it finds that it can no longer make things work.

Now this is very important: You are not your ego. You and the ego are not one and the same thing. You are not an ego evolving into a divine Being. You are a divine Being, more properly, you are divine Being employing your mind to create images of yourselves which you call beliefs and definitions, and then believing those definitions, and acting on the basis of them. The apparently resulting you that is the expression of these beliefs is what is called the ego, but it isn’t you.

Now, to the degree that any of you insist upon trying to maintain the ego sense of yourself when its efforts are not working, to the degree that you insist upon employing your ego when its efforts are not working, you will suffer.

Now I am not trying to be heavy handed here. But you know what I’m doing? I’m giving you the basis for being equal to your ego’s strenuous efforts to survive when it’s on its way out. I am speaking to you in such a way that will allow you, if indeed your experience turns out to be strenuous, I am helping give you the means that will allow you to face it more fearlessly. Because I am telling you that it is not something to be afraid of. I am telling you that it takes a willingness to persist right through it.

Now, I have shared with you that you have the means to shift your vantage point from your ego to your Being. But those who are especially controlling, those who have been especially manipulative and who have been highly successful at it, do not generally let go of that gladly, willingly or easily. And when the rough experience comes, you will need to know that it’s not really the end of the world for you, and that you can indeed dare to give up a little bit sooner than you otherwise would have.

Your ego interprets its losing its ability to control as an ultimate challenge to be overcome, when the decision really needs to be made to give up.

There is something else that you need to know: You never come to this point, where the ego begins to fail, for no reason at all. There is a reason it happens. And the reason is: Because you are growing. It is because you are ready to embrace the clearer experience of who you divinely Are. And it is penetrating the ego circumstances and undermining them.

In other words, the divine You that you Are is, you might say, asserting Itself, and causing that which is false about you to be illustrated for its falsity, so that it will be easier for you not to want it any more. But if the ego takes this as the ultimate challenge and you assert it even more, then its utter powerlessness will be placed in front of you. And in its taking that on as a challenge, it is taking on something that it cannot succeed at, so the failure of it becomes absolute, if I may put it that way, and it becomes that much easier for you to arrive at a point of vacating the stance of an ego.

You must understand that if indeed it turns out to be strenuous, it is nevertheless a divine event of transformation, and because it is, you can dare to yield to it so that you might find what is left after the ego is gone is wonderful.

Waking up is not inherently uncomfortable, because it is utterly natural for you to be Awake. What you need to know is that if it is uncomfortable, it isn’t because there’s something wrong with you. It’s because there’s something more right with you, than what is wrong with you. And you need to know it so that you will have the courage (listen to this) so that you will have the courage to persist rather than check out. That you will stay in the humiliation, you will allow yourself to be totally humiliated and be willing to stand there and have the opportunity to discover that what is standing there is not a humiliated ego, but a humble divine Presence.

You must have the encouragement to know that if you follow through to the end of the ego, there will still be something left and not condemn yourself for what is happening.

If you are not willing to stand in the apparent misery of the circumstance, and you scramble to get away from it, you will delay your opportunity to experience the uncovered divine Being that you Are.

I am going to put it this way: Let us imagine that you are standing on a large stage. All the lights are off in the theater. No one is in the theater except you in the center of the stage. It is pitch black. Immediately overhead is a spotlight that is on you, but it is out. The spotlight is going to come on. But if you are running around trying to escape the darkness you will not be where your illuminated presence is going to be able to appear.

Do you understand that I am not meaning to convey to you anything fearful, rather, I am conveying to you and meaning to convey to you that when this point of development occurs, and if it isn’t all candy and roses, it doesn’t mean something is happening that you have to get away from. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. If simply means that this is what it is taking to undo a strong ego. Why is it happening? To uncover the essential divine You that you Are.

Paul came from a very intellectual, metaphysical background. He was very used, he thought, to being able to be in charge of his life for the good of his life through the use of clear, correct and divine thinking. He ended up being unemployed for nine months because everything had collapsed around him. His ego plans collapsed, and he could do nothing about it. (I mentioned this before.)

You could say that he was unemployed for nine months, because of his stubborn insistence on the idea that he, through his clear correct thinking, could bring his life back into order. It took that long for him to discover that in spite of his not being able to bring his life back into order, through his clear, correct thinking, his life hadn’t stopped and his needs had not stopped being met, except that he wasn’t able to take credit for it.

It took that long for him to recognize that something else was in charge, and decide for that, instead of continuing to try to be in charge himself. You could call that stubborn will, even though from his standpoint it was with high motive.

During the process he and his whole family lived in other people’s houses, after fourteen years of raising a family in a totally respectable way—meaning, having a home of his own, not needing to lean on other people, etc. But he had reached the point in his spiritual maturity where he could not hang onto or carry forward any further this private, personal, beneficent control of his world. The circumstances were agonizing for him. There was nothing respectable about it. And yet, throughout this period it became clearer and clearer to him that his integrity was intact, as I said this afternoon to someone else.

It will happen the way it will work. I mean by that, it will happen in the way that the result of Awakening will be accomplished, if I may put it that way. And so what I am conveying to you is that if indeed for you it seems to be strenuous, don’t fight it. And don’t run yourself down as though you’re not doing it as well as someone else who seems to be having it easy.

Again, I must come back to the fact that ultimately the one single crucial element of this process is arriving at the point where the investment of trust is made in stepping into the unknown, in stepping into that place where control has been relinquished, where being in charge has been relinquished.

I want you not to be afraid of it, whether it seems to be strenuous or not. You have an advantage over Paul, Paul didn’t have any one to tell him what I told you today. You will not go into it as ignorantly as Paul did. And you are likely to find that you will recognize the signs of your spiritual Awakening and dare to cooperate with it, rather than resist it. But if you do resist it, no matter how strenuous it gets, the event of transformation will occur. And if you know that, you will not be as reactive in the process, and it will not be as excruciating.

Again, it is so important not to be “airy-fairy” about your spiritual growth. And so that is why I speak to you bluntly about something that might seem unduly heavy. I do it so that those of you who have the extreme of the experience might know, from our having talked, that it’s not the end of the world, and that you are equal to the experience, and to hang in there. Yes, that means hang in there with the process of failure that seems to be occurring, because all it is is the failure of the ego to continue to have control.

The question is, how long will you wait to let go of the end of the rope? The longer you wait the more uncomfortable it will be, but it won’t change the fact that you’re at the end of the rope. And there’s something inevitable that will happen: You will let go.
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